This isn’t even a kinky post. All the whips and chains in the world can’t save bad sex. So, I want to talk a little about something that I find comes up far more than it should when talking to men.
Recently a man said to me that he “is really good with a dildo.”
No amount of stalling for time helped; there was nothing I could say to that. It was clear from the context that he has a smaller-than-average penis, and he was describing penetrating his girlfriend with a dildo instead of this small penis because he thought she liked it.
I don’t know her, and so I’ll allow that there is the slightest chance that she did like it. However, the much more likely scenario is that she (as the submissive in the relationship) liked that he liked it, but also secretly wished he would stop. According to all the scientific studies out there (and my own experience) more than 90% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
Too many guys are out there fucking a girl or ramming her with a dildo and expecting that action to get her off, and guys, it doesn’t work like that.
I’d like to recommend two really good books about sex that can help you make better choices if you want to please your female partner:
Bonk by Mary Roach is a hilarious book about the science of sex, and it’s also very informative.
She Comes First by Ian Kerner is also a super-helpful book that describes the mechanism of the female orgasm in detail, and the anatomy behind it.
Basically, women have something called a clitoris that is outside of the vagina (well, the exposed tip of it is on the outside.)
Most of us cannot achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of this part of our anatomy.
Women (particularly the submissive ones) are sometimes terrified to tell you this. I have seen men rage at the very suggestion that they are not pleasing their partner, even when I knew from the mouth of the woman that this was the case.
In fact, several of my more submissive female friends have asked me to gently talk to their significant other about how women orgasm and about how most women do not like it when you pound away on them with a dildo, your dick, or anything else you may want to thrust repeatedly and thoughtlessly into them.
Women like vibrators, though. The bigger, the better. Think of the Magic Wand. This is something that you –yes you!– can use on your submissive to make her orgasm.
Instead of pounding away on her poor vagina, you can use this to actually make her vagina wet!
Not all women like vibrators. Some prefer a tongue. Some are okay with fingers being used if they are used carefully and with lube (remember: the tip of the clitoris has more nerve endings that your entire penis so don’t be rough unless she asks you to!)
However, you do need to stimulate a woman’s clitoris in order to make her orgasm in most cases. This is not a complicated fact, and the man in question (who is nearly 50 years old!) really should have known better than to be pounding away on his poor girlfriend for hours on end with a dildo. Yes, a submissive often thinks that pleasing you is hot. But, she still deserves for you to take her anatomy into consideration when you do sex stuff to her.
So please, straight men, get your shit together. Stop thrusting uselessly into dry vaginas. Instead, help your partner achieve orgasm before the penetration part of sex, so she is more likely to find it enjoyable.
Stop watching porn made by men for men and thinking that is a good way to learn about sex. Learn about a women’s anatomy instead, and guarantee that no one has to fake another orgasm with you.