Polyamory Series: Poly & Kinky


This post is part of an ongoing series of posts on Polyamory, for those who have questions about us. You may want to read the Introduction first to get an idea of what this is all about.

Today, I want to focus on how BDSM is related to the poly lifestyle.

First, let’s look at a generic situation, and then we can look more at specifics.

us an an example.jpg

In this example you have a straight wife who is submissive. Her husband is a straight male who is dominant.

I tend to think of Poly as an orientation so even if these two matched up perfectly and didn’t need anything from anyone else, I would still argue that they may want to date other people because that is just how they are. I firmly believe that people who are straight and only submissive or only dominant can still have fun and rewarding experiences outside of their primary relationships.

In fact, some people argue that kink can be completely different (and sometimes more fun) with people that they don’t feel as strong of an attachment to. So in the couple above, the man might love his wife too much to feel comfortable really objectifying her. However, that might be her biggest kink. So if she wanted it, she would have to look outside the relationship.

It seems like there is a higher instance of poly people in the kink community, and this may be why.

just about me

Above is me.

I am going to use myself as an example now. It is sort of uncomfortable to do that, but it is easier than trying to make up an example so here goes:

When people ask “what I am” at a munch, there is a lot for me to process. I am a lot of things, and I think all of those things are important and make up who I am. So here are my many orientations.

I am:

1. Poly-amorous, and monogamy has not ever gone well for me.

2. A switch in terms of kink, though I lean more towards Dominance.

3. Pansexual, meaning that I am open to all genders/sexes.

4. About 60% female because of my body and the behaviors that my body dictates, but about 40% male because of how I think and feel. 

I am married to a man who is a switch, but our interactions with each other never switch. I am always a Dom for him, though I can switch or be submissive with other people.

My husband is a switch, but is always submissive with me. He can switch with other people, but our dynamic would make it uncomfortable for him to switch with me.

So polyamory is actually necessary for us to fully express who we are as kinky people. Our kink is part of who we are, and our orientation as poly-amorous people allows us to get everything we need, instead of settling for only one part of the larger whole.


Of course, this can all get extremely complicated. I once dated two other bisexual switches and none of us ever knew what we wanted, or from whom! But then, that is part of the fun. I know it looks hard from the outside, but you get used to it when it is who you are.

Sexuality and Ambigiousness

Who does think riding crops belong next to the snacks at a party?

Who doesn’t think riding crops belong next to the snacks at a party?

Popular culture seems to place a lot of limits on sexuality. I never really thought about it much, since I place no limits on my own sexuality. I meet people- male or female- and I play with them if I like them. I sometimes have vanilla sex; though I mostly have various kinds of kinky sex. The point is- I don’t restrict what I want based on cultural norms and I never have. (I was totally the girl in High school that let a guy put it in her butt.)

However, I have been with a lot of guys who are very insistent that they are “straight.” I’m not really sure what the fuck that actually means in practical terms- but in ideals, it seems they are meaning to say that they never find other males attractive.

I’ll skip right over the part about how I’m a guy. I live in a girl’s body so no one ever takes me seriously when I say it. And I’ve not considered sexual reassignment surgery because going from a girl to a boy is… harder than the other way around. But inside, when a guy tells me he’s not attracted to other guys, I laugh because if they’re sleeping with me then they kind of are.

That is not the point though- because this is not about me. This is about the idea that there is such a thing as being “straight.” I find it impossible to really believe that there are any men on Earth who have not had a moment where they thought another guy was attractive. And besides that, I’ve never met a guy who didn’t enjoy a little prostate stimulation when they got over the “ick factor” they felt at first. (It’s only kinky the first time, right?)

Of course, noticing a guy’s abs or enjoying getting pegged doesn’t make you gay. I’m certainly not saying that. I’m just saying that, in the newer generation where gender neutral stuff is more popular and they all grew up watching internet porn- sexuality just seems more fluid.

My friend said “It’s not gay if both guys are straight.” I had to take a second to think about it, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes. If a couple of guys who aren’t really gay have sex (just for the pleasure of it and all) then it isn’t really “gay” sex, is it?

I recently had a threesome with two guys. Both of them have said many times that they are straight. But, given that they ended up both wanting to play with me that night, they found themselves both naked and in the same bed. I saw the curiosity in one of my pet’s eyes as I was sucking the other one’s cock, and then he just went for it. He’d always considered himself straight and not into guys at all, but presented with a penis other than his own, he was curious. So they ended up playing with each other while I watched and I sat back and thought about how interesting it is that people are so easily swayed from their prejudice in the face of new experiences that might be fun.

Of course in the morning one of my pets decided he felt awkward about it and said he didn’t plan to do it again. The other seems to still be pretty comfortable with it. I suppose it’s the same with spinach. Some people try it and never want lettuce in a salad again. Some people try it and think it would be nice some times. And still others decide it’s not for them.

And really, why should sexuality be any different than spinach?

I just mean- why should you have to be SURE if you like it or not? And why should you have to choose to only have one thing and never the other?  You never know if you’ll like something or not until you do it. And even when you decide that you don’t like something, it seems like people usually regret the things that they don’t try- not the things they do try. And if you’re not sure or you think you’d only like it sometimes- that’s okay too.

To clarify, I know I sound like I’m describing “bisexual” people. I’m not. I’m saying that I think everyone is a little bisexual. Or at least- that you don’t have to define your sexuality in absolute terms and feel like those terms can never be changed.