Polyamory Series: Poly & Kinky

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This post is part of an ongoing series of posts on Polyamory, for those who have questions about us. You may want to read the Introduction first to get an idea of what this is all about.

Today, I want to focus on how BDSM is related to the poly lifestyle.

First, let’s look at a generic situation, and then we can look more at specifics.

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In this example you have a straight wife who is submissive. Her husband is a straight male who is dominant.

I tend to think of Poly as an orientation so even if these two matched up perfectly and didn’t need anything from anyone else, I would still argue that they may want to date other people because that is just how they are. I firmly believe that people who are straight and only submissive or only dominant can still have fun and rewarding experiences outside of their primary relationships.

In fact, some people argue that kink can be completely different (and sometimes more fun) with people that they don’t feel as strong of an attachment to. So in the couple above, the man might love his wife too much to feel comfortable really objectifying her. However, that might be her biggest kink. So if she wanted it, she would have to look outside the relationship.

It seems like there is a higher instance of poly people in the kink community, and this may be why.

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Above is me.

I am going to use myself as an example now. It is sort of uncomfortable to do that, but it is easier than trying to make up an example so here goes:

When people ask “what I am” at a munch, there is a lot for me to process. I am a lot of things, and I think all of those things are important and make up who I am. So here are my many orientations.

I am:

1. Poly-amorous, and monogamy has not ever gone well for me.

2. A switch in terms of kink, though I lean more towards Dominance.

3. Pansexual, meaning that I am open to all genders/sexes.

4. About 60% female because of my body and the behaviors that my body dictates, but about 40% male because of how I think and feel. 

I am married to a man who is a switch, but our interactions with each other never switch. I am always a Dom for him, though I can switch or be submissive with other people.

My husband is a switch, but is always submissive with me. He can switch with other people, but our dynamic would make it uncomfortable for him to switch with me.

So polyamory is actually necessary for us to fully express who we are as kinky people. Our kink is part of who we are, and our orientation as poly-amorous people allows us to get everything we need, instead of settling for only one part of the larger whole.

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Of course, this can all get extremely complicated. I once dated two other bisexual switches and none of us ever knew what we wanted, or from whom! But then, that is part of the fun. I know it looks hard from the outside, but you get used to it when it is who you are.

How To Ask

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I recently exchanged some emails with a man who is in a D/S relationship with a woman that he finds somewhat intimidating. The relationship was experiencing the normal ebb and flow of sex, and it was in an ebb when I was talking to him. He wondered what he would have to do to initiate scenes with his mistress.

Now, everyone is different and I can’t speak to his partner. But I will give you some general suggestions if you are a sub in need of a good spanking…

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First, I want to explain that there is a lot involved in setting up a scene. Remember that if it is always the same partner doing all the work, they will get tired of it. They will want help. It’s usually the Domme doing all the work setting up scenes, and this can be why a kinky sex life can ebb sometimes.

Knowing this, one way for a sub to get more sex is to do some of the work. Clean the room you will use of all things except the toys, and maybe some candles. Make a playlist and have the music already set up. Pick your Domme’s favorite songs. And once it’s set up, tell them.

Note: Be mindful. Please don’t set up a scene on a day when you know that your Domme is not feeling well. This will only embarrass everyone. Message them and make sure they are feeling good before they walk into a situation.

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Second, remember that attitude matters. If you are always acting like an equal and “just hanging out,” then you are in the wrong headspace for scenes. Headspace matters, and this is why sometimes it seems like it’s easier to be kinky with people you don’t know, because if you don’t spend any time with the person as an equal, then you never have to switch roles. Being in a long-term kink relationship involves being good at switching gears, and going from the headspace of equals to the headspace of Domme and sub.

It’s true that the Domme is often the one to change the tone of an interaction, but the sub can also do this without being impertinent, (if it is done respectfully and when you and your Domme are in a playful mood.)

There is no reason that you can’t take off all your clothes and wear something cute (the sub I talked to had a tail butt plug, which sounds adorable!) My own sub wears kitty ears, which are really very cute.

Then all you have to do is act submissive, and ask in the most adorable way that you can if your mistress would like to play.

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Third, remember that a Domme is a person too. Just as you like to hear that you look cute in your collar and that you have a nice ass, your Domme wants to hear that she is pretty. Not in that stiff way that a long-married couple says “You look nice,” but in the breathless way that a lover says “Oh god, you look so hot right now.” Tone matters here, and so do the words you use.

It’s not breaking any rules or being impertinent to say nice things to/about your Domme. Sometimes it can be hard to work up the courage, but I promise you that no matter how intimidating someone might seem to you, they still want you to find them irresistible and sexy.

If you’re not sure how to make someone feel sexy, remember that the specifics are what matter. “You look nice” is stiff and useless because it is nonspecific. So pick a feature and fall in love with it.

Example:

“I love the way your hair falls around your shoulders. It’s so distracting, and it makes me want to start running my hands along all the places it touches.”

~OR~

“I love the part below your ear where the skin is just right for biting and nibbling. Can I bite you there? It’s just such a sexy spot.”

And so on…

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel sexy. It is a powerful tool. If you can make someone feel desirable, you can get a lot more exciting sex from them. On the other hand, if you don’t make them feel special, the chances are that you are not going o get a command performance.

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Overall, the key is to truly embrace everything. Really see you Domme as beautiful for every little quirk and dimple. Really feel submissive and worshipful. Really lose yourself in your role and in the overall role play of the situation.

Remember: The basic kink of Domme and sub is just as much a form of roll play as anything else. You need to commit. You need to believe. You need to be in the moment. That takes work, and sometimes your significant other might not be in the mood for all the emotional work. That’s why it’s important for you to help in various ways if you feel that you need more scenes.

After my friend and I talked, he took a little bit more responsibility. And guess what? They started playing more scenes! All it took was him doing some of the work of set up and seduction, instead of leaving it all to her like he used to. So if you find yourself in a kinky lull in your relationship, try carrying a little bit more of the responsibility and see what happens.

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They’re all tied up. Now what?

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*Note, because it’s usually a guy asking this question, I’m writing this as a guide for a guy as the Dom. That doesn’t mean this is always the case, as of course, I am usually the Domme in my relationships with both men and women. But look; I had to choose pronouns because that is how English works. 

I’ve noticed that a re-occurring question when it comes to BDSM and beginners is: “Okay, I have her tied up. Now what do I do?”

I’ve also noticed that a very common response in kink forums is “strap a vibrator to her and wait for her to cum.”

I have so many problems with all of that. So let’s take it in two parts.

Part One: Why you do not strap a vibrator to her and “wait for her to cum.”

Okay, I know that vibrators work on a lot of girls. I also know that Kink.com features this scenario often, and so that contributes to guys getting the wrong idea.

However, not all girls like vibrators. They also do NOT work on all of them. In fact, they are very unpleasant for some girls. Remember to discuss with your partner what she likes and what toys she is okay with BEFORE applying them to any part of her body. Scene negotiation before play is SO important!

Even if a vibrator does work as a way to get her off, it’s not the only way and it is far too overused in kink porn and in kink couples.

Main tips: Don’t use a vibrator unless she’s okay with it, and even then don’t be lazy and always use it. Also, if you use your finger be gentle and use lube. Or better yet, use your tongue and be gentle.

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Part Two: What to do once she’s tied up…

Some people really freeze up once they have their girl tied and ready to play with. This is understandable when you are new, and thankfully it’s easy to deal with.

Remember that you can still do all the things you would have done if you hadn’t tied her up. Standard vanilla sex stand-by stuff like ear biting and licking, neck kisses and nibbles, playing with nipples, licking her pussy, fucking her, etc…. are still okay things to do when she’s tied up. Those things aren’t off limits once you get some rope on her.

But if you need kinky ideas remember that there are zillions and zillions available on the basic BDSM checklist.

Remember that BDSM is not just about pulling her hair, choking her, or spanking her. It’s about control. It’s about playing roles. If you are being Dominant, then tease her with that fact. Say things like “You’re all tied up now. That means you’re my toy and toy and I can do whatever I want….” (That’s just an example. Please be creative.)

And also remember that you can do nice things for your submissive. You can rub her feet, suck on her toes, kiss all of her skin, rub her back, or wash her hair. You don’t always have to be mean. In fact, a good Dom takes time to appreciate their toys. So keep that in mind, too.

If you are still looking for ideas after going through a BDSM checklist, another good place to look is in erotic fiction. This is because men are more drawn to visual stimulation and so usually watch porn. But in general, women are less visual and more conceptual about sexual stimulation. So, they often read and write erotic fiction.

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Now, it’s good to know when you take advice who it’s coming from. So, I am mostly a Domme. Nearly every person that I sleep with subs for me. It’s not even a discussion. It’s just more of an assumption since I have the more dominate personality and I mostly only attract submissives.

However, I do sometimes sub if just the right person comes along. It has to be a very specific sort of person with very specific attitudes about sex. I rarely find this type of person.

Still, I DO have experience on both sides of the whip.

One last closing thought: It pissed me off when I Googled “Master and Sub” and got nothing but pictures of women subbing for men. I hate that the community is so dominated with that. It feels somehow anti-feminist, even though I know that the whole point of feminism is supposed to be having a choice about what role you play in society. I am a switch, but mostly I am a Dominatrix. We are out there. A BDSM couple is NOT just a Dom male and Sub female, and I think it’s important that we all remember that.

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