Polyamory Series: Resources

polyamory2

Welcome to the Polyamory Series. If you have not done so yet, please read the Introduction, and perhaps one or two of the previous posts as well.

There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory, so reading the introduction is a good way to start out, before jumping into posts in the series.

Now then, on to the topic of he day: a collection of resources for poly-amorous people.

51UaLgQ-6WL._SX332_BO1,204,203,200_

First up, The Ethical Slut is a lovely book about how sleeping around does not have to involve secrets and lies. In fact, it is more fun for everyone if it is all out in the open. I highly recommend picking up a copy and checking it out.

There is no related online community to pull worksheets and discussion topics from, but it is still a good book. I think anyone who is into sleeping around should check it out, even if they have no primary relationship and do not consider themselves to be poly.

41pziXslnzL._SX321_BO1,204,203,200_

Next, Opening Up.  While The Ethical Slut is more about sleeping around ethically, the focus of Opening Up is on having a solid primary relationship as an open couple. This is a good place to focus on, as many couples who are poly are also in one or two meaningful relationships at a time.

The author of Opening Up has an Online Community where you can volunteer for studies, get resources, and participate in discussions. If you don’t mind being a lab rat, this can be useful.

morethantwo

And my last book suggestion is More Than Two, which is a book that attempts to explain Polyamory for those who don’t know about it. This book also spawned an Online Community full of helpful resources for poly people.

If you are out and about in Poly communities, you will hear these books discussed ad nauseum, and everyone will tell you why one is better than the other. The truth is that different people need to hear different things, so buy all three and maybe a few more of the lesser known books, and slog through them all until you find the one that explains the parts that you need help with.

And remember, if you don’t want to buy anything, there are still load of folks like me out there who are blogging about this stuff and who are more than happy to answer questions if you need help. Part of the spirit of community is taking the time to talk to people who have questions, and I try to do my share (I get a lot of email and try to answer most of them politely and helpfully.)

The Ethical Slut

220px-Ethical_slut

 

Recently I read a book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. I’d been told that I should read it, and I have to admit that it was a good read.

The information in this book is laid out very well. I’ve been trying to explain these same things through various blog posts for ages, but the authors of this book put in more effort to explain the same ideas than I ever have.

For example: “A good slut is not measured by their amount of partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat each.”

Obviously I do sleep with a lot of people. But they are quality people. They are people I have exchanged STD tests with, or at the very least talked with extensively and gone through a scene negotiation with. They are people willing to use protection when we have sex, and who are interested in the same kinks as me.

Each partner should be chosen with care, because sex gets better the more you know someone. Make sure your partners are people that you can get to know, and that you want to get to know.

The book also covers a lot of information about poly relationships and how to make them work. I am often asked about this, and I have written several posts about it.

My favorite quote was about how a relationship with 3 people is way more complicated than a relationship with 2 people. After all, there is the relationship with A&B, the relationship with A&C, and the relationship with B&C. Plus the interaction is different with all three people together.


images

There is also a lot of good discussion in the book about boundaries, which are very important to negotiate and to respect. And also some helpful tips about managing jealousy.

I can’t say I agree with every single thing in the book, because kink and sluthood and the Poly lifestyle are different for every single person.

However, I would advocate that anyone who is new to the lifestyle read this book. I wish I had read it 10 years ago, because it would have been really helpful for me. Learning to manage all the feelings I had on my own was hard, and this book has very good discussions about that.

So if you haven’t read The Ethical Slut yet, definitely go out and buy it. It’s well worth the price, and it’s a great way to study the basics.

images (1)