So You Want To Find A Domme

This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.


Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

I am sleeping.”
I am eating.”
I am at work.”
I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.


Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.


Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.



As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.


I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

How to Approach a Dominatrix


I get a lot of emails every day because of this blog, my fetlife account, and my work as a novelist and public speaker. I don’t want to to be jerk, but you should know that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a busy person with their own life and their own stuff going on.

First let’s talk about the media:

Please stop acting like you are doing me a favor by asking me for an interview. This is something that requires me taking time out of my life. I don’t want to do it. You should understand that I do not need “exposure,” because I am quite successful on my own. You should also understand that I know you are going to ask my the same mundane questions that people have been asking me for twenty years, and that is not something that I am excited about. So, if you must ask for an interview, do it with the understanding that you are asking for a favor, and act accordingly.

Rule of thumb for media: If a Dominatrix acts like you are doing her a favor by interviewing her, than she is not good or successful. In fact, she might not even work in the community at all.


Now on to the non-media people who write to me:

I don’t want to sound like an asshole to these people, but I am about to, and I don’t think it can be helped. Sorry, but not really sorry, you know?

So, it’s so odd. It’s always the same thing. Someone is just figuring out that they are submissive and they think that I will be eager to do all this work to train them; as if male submissives are hard to come by. Here is how their e-mails always go:

“Hi Lady Violet. I am a male who is 56 and just discovering my kinky side. I am really excited to finally be doing this. I should have done it a long time ago.

About me: I am a “strong-willed” submissive, which is probably something you could break me of. I am sure you will want to try. 

I am interesting in you having a digital relationship with me. I want you to call me several times a week with commands and things you want me to do. 

If it goes well, I want to meet in person and see if we can play out some of my fantasies. I am really excited to start dating a Dominatrix now that I have come out as kinky. 

Let me know when you are ready!”

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Obviously there is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start, but here are some very basic tips for writing to a Dominatrix:

1. Do not go on and on about yourself. Yes, I know. When you first come out as kinky it’s all shiny and new and you think that everyone should be excited for you. But me? I have been in the kink community for over 20 years. I have worked at two dungeons, spoken at countless events, hosted tons of workshops, and even hosted a blog for nearly five years now just to explain kink so people can take some initiative and learn a little on their own.

In my more than 20 years in the kink community, I have met literally thousands of people who were just coming out. Once upon a very long time ago I did get excited for them. However, after years upon years it really does get old.

Please, do not write to me all about your coming out experience and how I should help you with it. It takes time out of my day for me to skim your e-mail and delete it, and I could have spent that time on literally anything else.


2. Address me formally. Again, I am a Dominatrix of some notoriety and a great deal of experience. I have been around a long time. I got into the community when I was 14 and started work at my first dungeon at 16. I deserve to be addressed as “Mistress.”

In addition, if you do actually want to get on my good side, you would think you could bother to mention literally anything about me. These guys write and all they talk about is themselves like anyone wants to spend hours listen to them blather on. Do your homework by reading at least a few of my posts and finding out the most basic things about me, and then mention those things.


3. Do not act like you are doing me a favor. I have a young and attractive submissive husband with six-pack abs and a 9 inch dick. You are not doing me a favor by offering your old, flabby body to me.

If you want me to care, then tell me why I should. What about you is interesting? What makes you stand out from the hundreds of offers I get per week? Remember that as much as kink has always been in your fantasies, I am real. All of us that you will meet in the kink community are real. We are actually people. So believe it or not, we have our own wants and needs and do not exist just to fulfill your fantasies.


I think that is the bottom line, actually. And it applies to the media people who write to me and the men, too.

So listen up all of you:

I do not exist to please you. 

Honestly, I really don’t. No woman does. If you want something, you had better make a compelling case. Because otherwise, you are just wasting my time. (And I really, really hate that.)