Cuddles

This last year I haven’t kept up on the blog very well. I tried, but I had a lot going on. I spent the month of January traveling around Australia. Then I went home and wrote and published a novel that I had been meaning to create. Then I packed up my house and did the mountains of paperwork required for a military PCS. And finally, I spent the holidays traveling around the US seeing friends and family.

It’s been hard to get Internet access on my laptop (which I haven’t even always had with me) and it’s been hard to have a space to sit down and write.

However, I hope to move into temporary housing soon in my new home (which is Oahu, Hawaii.) I should have more time to write once that happens.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about today is cuddles. My husband hasn’t been with me for any of my travels, and I’ve mostly been without a romantic partner. That doesn’t mean that I have been alone. In fact, for much of the time I was with friends.

However, I felt awkward asking them for the cuddles.

That’s a bad thing because humans really need physical contact to be happy. It’s an important part of our well-being because it creates oxytocin (a chemical that is associated with love and joy.)

So, why couldn’t I just ask?

My friends in Australia were straight females, and I knew that if I asked for cuddles, they would think I was hitting on them. I didn’t want to do that because they would be upset about it.

My friend in Colorado -whom I stayed with- actually probably needed cuddles too, but it was her house and so I felt like it needed to be her that reached out… and she didn’t.

My friends in Arizona… well, one of them is like a brother to me and I should have been able to ask him for cuddles, but I was afraid he would think I actually meant sex. I’m never sure how to draw that line nicely, without giving offense. (I mean- I think of him as a brother, but I don’t think that’s how he thinks of me.)

Another friend I stayed with… I’ve actually always wanted to have sex with him, but we’ve been friends for twenty years and never had sex, and I was worried it might damage our friendship. I didn’t ask him for cuddles because I thought I might cross a line if we cuddled… and his St. Andrews Cross was, like, right there. So, temptation and all that.

There was this one guy; and he was smoking hot. I mean; he’s crazy-beautiful. We met online because he’s a friend of a friend, and I went to talk to him about doing the audiobook for my new novel. Seeing him in person and seeing his beautiful hair cascading over his perfect shoulders… I wanted him so bad. But the conventional wisdom is that you shouldn’t fuck up business with sex. And besides, he had a roommate who seemed to be really keen to hang pretty close to us.

It got me thinking: We put up a lot of obstacles to physical affection.

I mean, we’re just full of excuses for why physical affection isn’t appropriate! In Oregon I cuddled up to a good friend of mine who I know from my time in South Korea. It was a non-sexual cuddle as it always is. I just wanted to feel close to him and so I rested my head on his shoulder and put my arms around him. This is something we’ve done for ages, but his girlfriend was not pleased. In fact, she took a picture of us and showed my husband the picture and her anger about it (he laughed at her, but that’s not the point.)

What I’m trying to say is that humans need cuddles to be happy, and we should all stop acting like we don’t. It should be acceptable to just go up and cuddle a friend, even if they have a significant other or if they are straight and you are gay. Non-sexual (and also sexual) cuddling should be way less stigmatized.

Another reason it’s messed up that asking for cuddles is so awkward is because you can pay for cuddles. There is apparently nothing that we won’t commodity in a Capitalist society, and cuddling has become a job that you can do for money. If that doesn’t drive home the true soulless nature of our society, I don’t know what does.

I’m just so grossed out with how cold and distance the world seems. How can we be happy when we’re so isolated from ourselves and from each other? It shouldn’t be this way.

I admit, I am older. But, I’m not going to blame the Internet like everyone else does. Yes, we can interact online now in addition to interacting in person. But if you ask me, all that has done is improve dating (by narrowing it down to mostly people you want prior to meeting.) I don’t think the Internet is the issue here, because the icy nature of life was more apparent to me in person than it ever has been through a computer.

Perhaps it’s just because so many countries are experiencing depression-era conditions. I did notice a huge increase in the tent cities people are living in, and I talked to homeless folks who work 40 hours a week and still can’t afford a place to live. So, it’s possible that the low wages and high cost of living have left people too stressed out to form meaningful emotional bonds.

It could be the divisive nature of things lately. I know that I lost a life-long friend because I refused to support Trump. He went all racist and crazy, and I couldn’t handle it. Another person I care deeply for has fallen into the MRA movement, and we all know what scum they are. I used to love him, and it hurts me deeply to see him claiming outlandish things (like saying feminists “hate men,” and refusing to listen to the truth that we just want equality for all.) There is A LOT of racist and sexist rhetoric out there, and it could be pushing people apart.

And as for the paid cuddles, I can’t tell if that is part of the problem (commodification of a thing makes it seem inappropriate for free) or if it’s just a symptom (since no one wants to cuddle or feels comfortable cuddling, people will pay for it.)

I also know that I personally avoided some sex I wanted to have out of fear of STIs. There are some incurable strains going around, and I just don’t want to bring creepy-crawlies home to the husband.

I don’t know what-all is causing this lack of cuddles and sex and affection.

All I know is, it fucking sucks. This was the least cuddly year I have ever had, and I hated it. And, I don’t know… I just think I can’t be the only person who is lonely.

So, maybe talk to your friends about it? Bring it up? Maybe we can all just admit that leaning against another human on the couch while watching TV is a nice thing to be able to do, and we should all do it more?

I think we’d all feel better.

Vacation

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So, due to some personal circumstances, I find myself traveling to Portland for awhile. In theory, I leave January 15th, and I return to Guam February 15th. (But we’re flying Space A with the military so who knows? It’s a lot like catching a bus with no schedule, and when it shows up anyone more important than you can bump you off. )

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I can’t be sure if I’ll be able to post much while I am away, but I hope to come back with interesting stories. Hopefully that will make up for my brief absence.

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In the meantime, wish me luck in my travels. I promise to do my best to check in!

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A Very Personal Update

Passport, and money!

Passport, and money!

I might be writing this more for myself than for you. My thoughts are less ordered than they usually are, due to a lot of major life-changes that happened all at once. I need to straighten out my head.

First, I live in Portland Oregon now. It is a wonderful city and I really enjoy it. It also gives e a chance to be near someone I have been dating for more than 10 years, and I am really enjoying that. He’ll hate me for this- but I’m going to refer to him as “Mr. Pretty” because of a nickname from when we were much younger people.

He and I didn’t start out kinky. At first, it was just a very passionate relationship between two people who had everything in common, while having none of the same characteristics. We grew up in small towns only a few miles apart. We both moved to the same desert and lived through our teen years there. We always ran in the same circles, and we even got matching tattoos at one point. Of course, we are nothing alike in terms of personality. He’s shy, socially awkward, and more capable with machines than with relationships. I’m out-going, popular, and great at relationships.

We have loved each other our whole adult lives, and adding kink to things only made it more exciting. Having him close to me makes everything better, because moving to a new place and a new part of the country is a huge change. It is smoothed over a lot by having someone here to cuddle up to and love.

From a trip Mr. Pretty and I took for my birthday.

From a trip Mr. Pretty and I took for my birthday.

Second, I had to move away from my very favorite Pet. He and I are two of a kind with the same views on monogamy, sex in general, relationships, and everything else. We have a really great bond, in terms of things we have in common and basically the same personality (with a few tweaks here and there.)

I was very excited to spend 6 weeks in South Korea with him this summer, visiting Club Desire and going to Fetish Play Parties with our friends. I wish I could have stayed, but circumstances won’t allow us to even think about living together for another year. And that’s okay. He’s in my chat window every day, and I know that some connections are too deep to be broken by time and space. I look forward to our future adventures.

Love lanterns in Korea

Love lanterns in Korea

Third, I am living with the family of someone I dated 2 years ago when I was in Korea, and who I wrote about previously as Mr. Bond. Being here, in his old room, I think of him every day when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. Our relationship wasn’t that long, and it was ages ago, But… some things really haunt you.

Our first date was more than a day long. We met at a bar, in a nice public setting. We talked for hours before moving to a quieter and move private hookah lounge, and then eventually to my house. Most of my first dates don’t end at my place-but the really good ones do!

I’ll never forget that feeling of instant connection and instant emotion. I’ll never forget how happy I was, or how devastated I was when he moved to Georgia right after my birthday two years ago. For letting me borrow his family, and for being such an intense moment in my life, I will forever be grateful to Mr. Bond. I think I’ll always be in love with him.

At the family's beach house in Seaside. I love living with them.

At the family’s beach house in Seaside. I love living with them.

And then there’s my ex. All of the boys above are people I wouldn’t describe as “exes” because I am still in love with them and we never broke up or fought. But my ex and I are a whole other kettle of fish. We broke up, and I slunk away to Asia with my tail between my legs. It really messed my world up for a little bit.

So he asks if we can go to dinner when I move back to the United States. And dinner turns into hanging out, which turns into a road trip up the entire West Coast. And it turns out he’s changed about as much as a person can. I will respect his privacy, but I must say that the whole “people don’t change” thing is bullshit. Some people change into a COMPLETELY different person, and Mr. Ex did that.

It used to be that I hung out with him because I got to hear about the latest in Science and Engineering from him and the other guys working at his lab. I am a science geek to the extreme and being around so many smart people was blissful. But Mr. Ex was an uptight person with about a million personal hangups. And now he’s a great guy. Some changes were big enough that I know we’ll never date again, but I think I made a friend this summer that I will have for the rest of my life, and I am happy about that.

There is nothing in the whole world like an American Road Trip...

There is nothing in the whole world like an American Road Trip…

Then of course, there were the girls. I got to see my Pretty Little Princess, to fuck several girls at Club Desire, and to have sex with a very sweet girl we’ll call Darling Nicky. I enjoyed the hell out of all the women who let me play with them this summer, but it did inspire me to write about how women are too self-conscious. I stand by that. Maybe my wording wasn’t perfect or I rambled too much in that post. But the point remains: women needs to learn not to seek validation in being skinny or having the perfect body. Sure, those things are nice, but it’s not all that matters.

Random amusing things I saw this summer...

Random amusing things I saw this summer…

So now I am settling in to a new life and a new job that will last at least a year. I am back in the Untied States for the time being, and I am enjoying speaking my native language and learning some new stuff.

This summer was too intense to really sum up in a single post. I should give shouts out to my brother in Korea and to all the people who helped me along the way with places to stay, company, and great parties. I added a few new stamps to my passport, tore apart the drive train on a car, and really just did a crazy amount of cool things that I may never get around to writing about. But the things I really want you all to take away from this is: Thank you! To all of you who love me and help make my life the awesome adventure that it is, I am so much more grateful than you will ever know. You guys make my life so wonderful, and I hope you all know how much I care.

Peace and love to you all.

Peace and love to you all.

Sex and the Beach!

Near Haeundae beach at a huge temple

I find this “weekly fun” section to be the least exciting part of my blog. I know it will get more interesting as I have more play partners that I am doing fun things with, but everyone goes through dry spells some times and this is one of mine. It’s not a lack of sex so much as a lack of sex you probably want to hear about.

So I went to Busan with a Physicist and we stared out at the waves and played in the sand, and we had a lot of mostly vanilla sex. He’s into a lot of sex machine kind of stuff and obviously most of us in the community do not pack toys for short vacations (I mean, sometimes for a special occasion, but not as a matter of form). So, it was mostly just vanilla fun.

I promise to have some more interesting sex later. It was actually a REALLY fun weekend and I adore the shit out of the good doctor, but I feel like this blog is not about describing the intimate details of my life, as much as it is about telling you helpful stuff. So that said, this weekend I didn’t do anything that would help you learn anything. I just had a really good time.

Cheers from the beach!