Shopping Suggestions

s-l300

Obviously I always suggest that you think globally but shop locally. However, that’s not something you can do often with kink (to my dismay.) Of course sometimes you know a great leather guy who does custom work, or something of the sort. But mostly, we have to order our toys online.

The question then becomes: Where to shop?

Of course you can always go to amazon.com, and hilariously, sometimes you’ll find a good deal.

However, let’s talk about some more targeted shopping.

e02d22f5755bbb25c50a228cc4cc3ce3.jpg

I have always had a soft spot for stockroom.com because they were willing to ship to me when I lived in South Korea.

Sex shops in Korea are very overpriced and have almost no selection.

Therefore, Stockroom.com saved me, and I will always be grateful.

Their stuff is definitely more targeted towards man-on-man action, but there are some awesome toys on there.

il_fullxfull.202820077.jpg

My friend suggests Ethical Kink as a good resource.

They have synthetic leather and synthetic hair options, for those who don’t want to use animal products.

I admit that I can’t give up the smell of real leather.

However, I am totally happy to use fake hair on my tail butt plugs, since it lasts longer and doesn’t absorb bacteria.

So, check them out.

CN1BociWgAAb8_y

For rope, you can’t do better than Twisted Monk.

These guys are awesome, and even include helpful videos on how to do various ties.

You could absolutely have an entire workshop based around everyone buying some rope from Twisted Monk and then following along with their videos.

cotton-curiosity_WM.png

For crazy-classy collars, Eternity Locking Metal Collars is the most elegant thing you can find.

They are gorgeous, and having owned one, they are also easy to use and very functional. I highly recommend them.

They are not for play, of course. But for everyday kink wear that fits into a vanilla world, these collars are a beautiful option.

19092333

There are also all kinds of suggestions online for where to shop, and I think that is a wise way to go.

Always go through someone who is recommended to you instead of a random website; just to be safe.

download

Rope Bondage

bdsm-poem-rope-tied-600x641

 

Lately, I have been asked a lot about how to get better at rope bondage. I must admit, rope bondage isn’t something I do. I have talked before about how I prefer gear ties and cuffs. However, I have nothing but respect for those who practice this noble art.

Because I can’t tell you a lot about how to do it, I wanted to give you some resources:

The Two Knotty Boys are wonderful! I saw them do a show at the CSPC in Seattle, and I can’t tell you how impressed I was. They move with a style and grace that is rivaled by few.

My other recommendation is Twisted Monk. They can give you good ideas. If you visit their page, you’ll find lots of useful instructional videos that you can watch and practice along with. If you want to learn the art of rope bondage, these are some men who can help.

Please remember to keep safety in mind. One of the reasons I don’t do rope bondage is because I worry about missing the signs and causing damage to my rope bunny. Remember to keep something handy to cut ropes fast, just in case a toe starts turning blue!

651940a0427dcaa0da77bbe3745682f5

Play Suggstions

images

I get a lot of requests for suggestions on what to do with a submissive once they are tied up. To start, before you tie them up, it’s nice to start with petting, hair pulling, neck and ear biting, and running your hands along their body in a firm way. This starts putting them into sub space and getting them in the mood.

If you use rope to tie your submissive and need any help with that, Twisted Monk is the best! They have instructional videos and helpful hints.

For me, I am lazy and like to use gear ties, because they are quick and easy. Also, the rubber is soft and doesn’t leave any marks, but the steel cable inside is strong and nearly impossible to break.

Screen Shot 2012-01-30 at 2.00.07 PM
If possible, I prefer a hard point in a doorway or a low arch. This is because I enjoy having the submissive’s hands out of the way, with access to both their front size and back size. A hard point would be something simple like an eye hook screwed deep into a stud in your wall.

images (2)

 

You can also tie their arms in front of them (in which case you may want to tie their arms and feet together and then to each other just for fun.) Or, you can tie their arms in back. Depending on how you tie them, you will have access to different parts of their body, so think about which parts you want to play with first, and remember to switch it up a few times during the night so they don’t get sore from being tied in one position too long.

images (1)
When you have their hands above them or in front of them, that is a good time to try flogging and spanking. For flogging, remember to use a figure eight motion, and to start light and build in intensity as you go. Be careful to aim for the thickest fleshiest bits so that you won’t accidentally wrap the tails of the flogger around the submissive’s body, as this can amplify the force and cause the flogger to cut into the flesh.

flogger

For spanking, you also want to be sure to focus on the fleshy parts. I think it’s fun to ask submissives to either count how many times I hit them, or to ask to be hit again after each stroke. I like to think that kink is as much in a person’s head as it is outside. So, if they have to say “Thank you Mistress, may I have another?” after each stroke, it adds to the intensity of the experience.

 

 

20a738626045a9a8a606582edd2a3eb5

 

If your scene involves sex, it’s good to change positions after play. For females, I like to use a vibrator on them (if they can orgasm from that) and if not, use my fingers or tongue to get them off. Once a female has an orgasm, they are much more open to different ideas. If your submissive is male, you wouldn’t want to let them have an orgasm because men tend to fall asleep after. But for females, you will definitely get more enthusiastic participation in any scene if you make sure they have an orgasm first.

Remember, talk to your submissive about what gets them off! Don’t just assume. Women are all very different, and this can sometimes make it a struggle to please them. That’s why you need to communicate. If you want to try some creative toys to help you, I recommend Doctor Exreme for some off-the-beaten-path ideas.

images (3)
Remember that before sexual contact it is always a good idea to get an STD test from them first, because many STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and so a condom will not be enough to protect you (unless it’s one of those full-body condoms from Eastern Europe.)

Also remember that not all scenes include sex; some are just play. Make sure your submissive agreed to sexual contact before you initiate it.

And finally, these are just a few ideas, although you can also have a lot of fun with butt plugs, riding crops, and canes; to name a few things. Whatever you do, as always, keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

So Your Significant Other Is Into BDSM…

One of the most common questions that seems to come up in online forums related to BDSM is:

“Well, I’ve never thought about it and I am not into it, but my SO is into BDSM and I love them, so…”

I am not an expert at anything. I’ve just been in the scene for a really long time. It doesn’t make me a relationship guru and only you know what is right for you. But here is what I have noticed:

First, I am pretty sure this whole kink thing is The Way We Are. I have been fantasizing about pain since I was 5 years old, so I am pretty certain it’s just a personality trait, and I don’t think it will go away because someone else is not interested. I’m sorry, but I can’t change my hair color either.

Just understand that kink isn’t something that I think people typically choose. Maybe some people do- if they’re just bored with sex. However, I’ve been to a lot of play parties where we all started talking about how we got to be kinky, and all of us remember fantasizing about kinky things as kids.

So just take that into account.

However, let’s be honest: The kink community can come with a lot on nonsense in terms of dating. You meet people on fetlife.com or collarme.com and they can be nice people- or they can be people with serious issues who act like their kink is the only acceptable kind and everyone else is sick. Sometimes we get tired of dating “in our scene.”

There are all sorts of ways a relationship can go when you meet someone in the community. For example  sometimes you meet someone that you only play scenes with and the dynamic is really good; and you don’t want to make it a relationship because it might alter the dynamic.

Also, as I mentioned before when I talked about how to hit on a girl- just because a guy is kinky- does not mean he has game. Some of the people you meet are awkward enough that it can turn you off to kink completely for awhile. I have met a lot of girls that felt that way.

Worse still- sometimes you’re stuck living somewhere that the scene is mostly dead. Imagine that there are only six other people that ever meet up and they are all in monogamous relationships, and it’s just you all alone with no one kinky to date. And even if one other person showed up, and if they were of your preferred gender, and if they had kinks similar to yours, you still might not like them as a person. Or, to put it another way, just because the only male a of species left on Earth meets the only female of a species left on Earth, does not mean they will fuck.

The point is- dating in the scene can be complicated. Maybe a person doesn’t always feel like they have that option. And so sometimes we date vanilla people- for whatever reason.

So then various forums end up flooded with vanilla people asking one of two questions. They either want to know about kink and maybe get into it, or they want to know if their SO can live without it.

If they want to know more about it, there are great books like S&M 101 by Jay Wisemen. There are people who do workshops like Midori. There are people who do how-to videos like Twisted Monk. And there is loads of places to read up online like the FAQ section of reddit’s BDSM community. Learning about kink is as simple as spending some time reading.

Note that I didn’t recommend watching porn. There is good stuff out there, like the stuff at kink.com. That’s worth paying for- and I don’t often say that about porn. However, the majority of porn that is labeled BDSM is actually just porn, but with vinyl clothes. That’s not really going to help anyone learn about kink.

Anyway there are lots of resources. If you want to learn, it’s easy.

The other question is harder. What most vanilla people dating someone into BDSM really seem to want to know is- can they live without it. I have met too many people who were dating someone who often pushed them to get freaky and they just didn’t want to. They had no interest in whips, chains, spankings, or even a little light bondage. And they wanted me to tell them that their SO didn’t need those things.

Like I said at the start of this post- I am pretty sure I was born this way. I don’t think there was ever an option for me. I think I have always been tweeked a bit- and I don’t think I can change it any more than I can change my hair colour. That’s just me. Maybe your significant other is different. Maybe they can be happy with vanilla sex forever. Talk to them about it. And if they say they are sure they can quit kink cold turkey and never ask you for anything out of the ordinary, then maybe that is the case.

Only you know how your relationship is doing and how your dynamic is. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can live without. I think more than anything else, what’s needed in such situations is soul searching. Because if your SO is into BDSM and you’re sure that you’re not- then sometimes the relationship is probably not going to work out. Sorry to end on a down note; but it had to be said.

Worth Remembering

A really good memory

 

I got a request to write about some of the really good experiences I have had in the BDSM community over the years. There are a lot to choose from- of course. But it seems my favorites are the ones that I had with people just coming into the community.

I think I am somewhat indifferent to life. I don’t mean to be- and we don’t need to worry about why. However, life just kind of goes by for me, and I exist in it somewhat happily and without a lot of thought. The exception is when something make s a huge impression on someone I am with. That helps me make a memory.

So here is an example. This is a boy I played with a few years ago. He was new to the community and he hadn’t really gotten to know anyone yet. Some people who are like that are shy and hard to pull information out of. This boy was not, so I’ll call him Mr. Adventurous.

I brought up rope one week. He identified as a switch, and I told him that if he wanted to be a good Dom he should look into shibari. After all, rope play is a way to take a scene slowly, and show care and concern for your submissive while making something beautiful at the same time. It’s very elegant and sexy. I explained that to Mr. Adventurous.

The next week, he turned up with a ton of rope (see picture above) and showed me how he had learned several different types of knots and a few cool wrap methods like a basket weave. He had watched Youtube videos and practiced on himself! Yes, that’s right. I said he practiced on himself. He sat there all week fascinated with the idea of rope play, and tried various ties on his legs. How cool is that? He even researched online to find good places to buy rope for bondage and ordered some. (A good place for that, by the way, is Twisted Monk).

I have to admit, there’s nothing like a brilliant guy who can obsess over something until he gets it right. He was so excited to try rope play that it made me excited about it- and I usually don’t have the patience for such an elaborate and time-consuming craft.

I have brought a lot of people into the community over the years. Yes, that’s mostly because I like to p lay with younger men and women. I only feel as young as the person who polishes my boots, after all.  But of all the people I have ever introduced to the community, this man was the very best and most impressive. I have never met anyone more eager to learn and more excited to try new fun stuff.

So the moral of this story is: If you want to get into the community, remember to try to seek out new experiences.  Don’t wait for someone to explain every little thing to you! Do your own research and ask questions and give new things a try!  Life is way more fun when you go out and grab it, instead of waiting for it to come to you.

Things to keep in mind about rope

Silk Rope

Here is some silk rope from Twisted Monk.

So I was talking about rope with someone, and I realized that is something I should write about.

First, I recommend hemp. I prefer the feel of silk rope and I have some coils of it right now, but it tends to unravel around the edges after a few years. Hemp is stronger and holds together better.

You only really need rope if you’re doing some fancy stuff, because I use kimono ties for light bondage and that’s fine. If you just want to tie someone up, almost anything will do. But if you want to get serious about making it look cool or about doing a rope suspension, then you need some good rope.

As to where you should get it, please don’t just go to a hardware store and try to find some! Pick up the good stuff, or you’ll regret it later. I recommend Twisted Monk, as they have loads of great rope and rope resources. Whatever you use, please be careful and keep something on hand to cut the rope with in case your submissive freaks out. I would highly recommend you get a rescue hook (see picture below).

This is good because you slide it under the rope and cut out, so it’s impossible to cut your submissive while untying them. They’re not very expensive and they’re handy tools when you need to end a scene quickly.

Climbing rescue hook

Used mostly by climbers who need to free themselves from a tangled line, this is what you want when you need to free a submissive quickly.

Another thing to keep in mind about rope is to never go too tight. It’s like breath play: You really should be careful because you don’t want to permanently damage your submissive. So please remember to be safe when playing with rope, okay kids?