They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Fetish Series: Impact Play

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Impact play is another umbrella of things. It can be as innocent as a bare hand spanking, or as intense as a flogging with barbed wire.

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Note: I want to reiterate that I am in no way saying that leaving permanent marks is wrong. However, I do feel that extra checking in is important when permanent marks are possible/expected. I have certainly had folks in the community tell me that I need to stop pushing my conservative agenda and shut up, because if someone wants to let their Dom pierce/tattoo/scar them, it’s none of my business.

I get that attitude. And yet, I think that if we are to claim that we are responsible as a community, then we should always make sure that a person who is going to have permanent marks is in a healthy state mentally, and that they understand what they are agreeing to.

Some impact play can leave permanent marks, so like with all things that can, I want to implore you to make sure that all parties understand what they are consenting to. Then, by all means, bring on the whips made of barbed wire if that’s what you want to do.

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Now then, impact play can be something as innocent as a bare-handed spanking. I think most vanilla couples have tried that. It’s a fairly tame thing to do. As we always talk about, aim for the fatty areas and try to hit straight-on.

However, we can involve toys too. Here are some popular toys for impact play (by no means a complete list):

-Floggers
-Whips
-Paddles
-Canes
-Crops

*Seriously, you can hit someone with anything. These are just a few common toys.

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Each category of toy can be broken down farther. For example, with paddles, there are a lot of different kids. Some are wooden and light, which will cause a stinking pain and be more likely to break skin. Some are wooden, but very thick and heavy. This is more about the sensation of the impact, and about feeling your body move with each blow.

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Then, some paddles are made of leather. They can be decorated with rivets like the one pictured above, or left plain. Again, how they will feel when used is a function of how long and wide they are, as well as how thick.

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Regardless of what you use, the goal with impact play is generally to start out slow and soft; almost teasing. Then, slowly build to a more intense sensation. So when I am going to beat my sub with a riding crop, maybe I will start but just running it along his skin and letting him see it. Then I might start with a few soft swats in key areas. As things get going, then I will start to hit harder and more frequently.

This is not how everyone does it. You can do whatever you want. However, the general wisdom is that it is more pleasant for the sub if you build up to the harder hits, instead of starting out whacking them as hard as you can.

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Obviously most of us want to avoid permanent damage. That means sticking to fatty areas and not hitting nerve clusters. There are plenty of diagrams and charts on the internet, so remember to have a look at one before using a new toy, just to be safe.

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Remember to check with your partner beforehand. You may have made a flogger out of computer chords which you are very proud of, but your partner might not be interested in having it used on them (plastic chords can do a lot of damage, after all.)

It’s fine to use household items to enhance your kink. Just be aware of what the items can do, and get consent from the person they will be used on.

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I know one item that can be a touchy subject is a wooden spoon. Within a certain generation, it seems pretty much all kids were beaten by their mothers with wooden spoons. This can still be a touchy issue, as can any abuse suffered in childhood. So, again, try to be aware of your submissive’s state of mind at all times, and make sure that they are okay.

And remember, just because you draw the line at a little light flogger, doesn’t mean it’s wrong for someone to enjoy being covered with welts from a caning. Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

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Just pictures

I have so many pictures I really love, and even though I have posted some of them before, I wanted to do a post that was JUST about seeing the things in my world. So, here goes:

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

Just a wind chime in South Korea.

So in South Korea they have these penis parks like Jeju Loveland, where you go and look at statues of people having sex, and of penises and such. This is a wind chime made of wooden penises.

Just a sex statue

A sex statue

I think this is supposed to be the god Pan fucking a woman. If you go to Korea, you really have to check out the penis parks!

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I just love the way my vinyl gloves look grabbing his butt in leather pants.

I don’t have many pictures from fetish events or play parties. Cameras are not allowed in most situations because no one wants to be “outed” as being kinky. So while you won’t see a picture of me, you can see my hand grabbing one of my pets.

My favorite shirt that I own

My favorite shirt that I own

I never get to wear this shirt. It’s not really okay in most social situations. But I fucking love it!

Just toys laid out for the night

Just toys laid out for the night

I love when you lay out your toys for the night and then sit waiting for your victim to arrive…

Nothing major. Just some claw marks.

Claw marks.

I didn’t feel like pulling out the whips and chains, but I still left my mark.

Just a bag of stuff for a play party

A bag of stuff for a play party

Off to a play party, so I had to pack of bag of clothes and toys! Oh- how I love a good play party with fun people!

Collars!

Collars!

I love collars! Decorative, play, or ownership collars; it doesn’t matter. They’re all so great!

Toys!

Toys!

Another night of fun all laid out on the table and ready for the pets to arrive.

Blindfolds

Blindfolds

I love going to Everland because of the blindfolds… (So much better than a plain one, yes?)

At a show

At a show

I have mentioned Element a440 before. They do songs about whips and chains and they are great dungeon music. In addition, their stage show involves tying girls to crosses…

From a play party

From a play party

I just love the crops next to the veggie tray. I wish I could take more pictures at play parties, but…

Rope suspension

Rope suspension

Now, even with his face blocked, you can tell this is my brilliant friend Hexavier. Most people I know wouldn’t let me “out” them on my blog, but Hexavier is a special breed. He’s also the best at rope work that I have ever seen, and he built his own rig.

Punishment room

Punishment room

In Korea they used to spank people as a punishment. This is one of the spanking rooms. I am not making this up. This was a serious government punishment.

Bondage bunny

Bondage bunny

I haven’t really ever done a post about furries. I probably should. There is certainly some kinky furry sex at Fetish Proms…

Whips!

Whips!

This is just some of the toys we had at a play party that we threw. So many choices!

Paperwork

Paperwork

Remember, paperwork is important! Do not play with a sub until you have a signed consent form. It never hurts to go over a checklist as well.

Still my favorite

Still my favorite

Of all the pictures ever taken of Pet and I, this is my favorite. It’s better than our wedding photos.

Remembering...

Remembering…

And of course, fliers from some of my shows. Play parties are private and in someone’s home. It’s a small group, and yes they sometimes turn into an orgy. Erotic balls and fetish proms are a way of showing off your kink in pubic by dressing up, watching performances, etc…